Being a Great Husband Better than having a Great Wife

Journal-Review
July 30, 2009

There’s an old worn-out expression about marriage that is still prevalent among men these days: “Great Wife: Great Life.” On Aug. 4, I hope to be celebrating 25 years of marriage with my wife Jenny. It occurred to me the other day that I have been married more than half of my life. I’m not sure if such a milestone really means all that much, but along the way I have learned about the wonderful experience of marriage.

I had no clue what I was getting into on Aug. 4, 1984, in Syracuse, Indiana. All I knew at that moment is I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this one girl – Jennifer L. Hughes. I really didn’t know the “rest of my life” would entail – fatherhood, a call to ministry, saying hello and goodbye to congregations, the empty nest and the privilege of sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others.

I quickly figured out, though, that marriage isn’t always wonderful. Marriage is a lot of hard work. Marriage is a great adventure. Marriage is a mystery.

A major discovery I have made regarding marriage is that I enjoy trying to be a great husband more than having a great wife. I really did use to think the key to a successful marriage was being married to a great woman. You know, having a gorgeous, sexy wife.

I still think Jenny is beautiful, but I have come to realize that I find more pleasure in trying to be a great husband than in having a great wife. My job description is to do all I can to make her life easier. She is my best friend. When I keep focused on that task, my marriage is flourishing. When I steer away from my job, I know I am in for some rough seas.

I am a long way away from being a great husband. Yet, this is the goal I have set for myself. I may not attain it fully, but every now and then, I can see glimpses of what it would be like. Like sunlight shining through a stained-glass window, it reveals a depth of color and beauty usually unnoticed. Life becomes more vibrant when I take the time to make serving God and my wife as my No. 1 job.

Really, this lesson can be applied to any healthy relationship. This is the love of God, “agape” love, in which the lover seeks only what is best for his beloved. This is the passionate love of Jesus, totally self-giving. This seems totally upside down to the value system of the world. When we’re trapped in the cycle of pleasure, possessions and prestige, self-giving love seems to be a defeated way of looking at life.

True victory, though, is found when we surrender our lives to God. The man who loves this way is the greatest warrior. He is greater than any general who conquers a city for he has conquered himself. “Controlling your temper is better than being a hero who captures a city.” (Proverbs 16:32, Contemporary English Version)

For me, the words of Ephesians 5:25 will make me a better husband. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.” This means I am devoted to Jenny first and foremost and I lay down my life for her. In other words, being a great husband is more important than having a great wife.

The most powerful human love I have witnessed in the past few months is when a husband and a wife endure the most difficult moments of life together. I have seen it in the eyes of brand-new parents caring for their newborn son; and in the eyes of a devoted husband keeping a bedside vigil as the love of his life slips away toward death. All that really matters in such moments is the self-giving love found in Christ.

On my wedding day, I could not have possibly understood the deeper dimensions of marriage I have experienced. “This mystery is profound,” says the Apostle Paul, “and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Somehow, the experience of marriage helps me to glorify God.